Today

Today, there was a coffee pot in my youngest’s crib, and a box of tampons in my living room. I agreed to the current placement of neither of those things. There were crumbs in my couch and stains on my carpet. I did not consent to those either.

Today, it was cold and we played outside while wind swept through down jackets and wool mittens. I wondered if I could survive another Montana winter and researched base layers for toddlers. I thought about skiing and wondered if the kids would enjoy following behind in a sled, blankets tucked next to rosy cheeks.

I watched the boys play with friends and wondered how I was doing. Were they kind enough? Did I yell too much? I thought about my husband’s cousin who met his future wife before he had even learned all his letters, and I wondered who would be the friends that stay in my children’s lives forever, and who would move  along with the winds of time.

Today, I discussed the plot holes of a book with my husband, debating why a frog would be driving an already anthropomorphized  truck. I played paleontologist. I made bread. I ate the bread with excessive amounts of butter, like I always do. I forgot to feed the kids a single vegetable.

Today, the tiredness ached through my body and  I wondered when it will get easier. I thought of the mothers fleeing Syria and wondered what right I have to feel tired at all.

I folded two baskets of laundry and watched half an episode of a show I don’t really like before my little one needed to be rocked back to sleep in the middle of nap time. He dozed on me and I scrolled through the Internet, wondering how I could teach my children to be more than kind – to be just. I cried over the anger, hate, and fear I saw poured out towards people who needed love. I put the laundry away.

Today, I listened to the steady heartbeat of our rocking chair as my husband convinced the little one to sleep. I thought of my oldest asking his brother, “are you okay?” every time he cried and thought of the little one’s subsequent squeals of laughter, and I wondered how I could be so lucky.

Today was neither a good day nor a bad day. It was another day of mess, of tears, of joy, of frustration, of fun. Today was a day just to be.

Today, we were simply and magnificently alive.