Every thought I had after hearing “it’s a girl!”

Months 1-3

I don’t care, as long as it’s healthy.

Months 4-9

That’s stupid. Healthy or not, I will still love it.

Week 39

I don’t care, as long as it gets the #$&@& out of me soon.

Friday

6:10am: @#$#$@!

6:12 am: If I push hard enough, I can find out.

6:13am: It’s here! And healthy!

6:13:01am: SOMEONE MOVE THE DAMN CORD OUT OF THE WAY.

6:13:02am: It’s a girl! A girl! A girl? I’ve never had one of those.

6:15am: It is a girl, right? Can someone double check? Did anyone else get a good look?

8:07: Family knows now. Everyone is excited. Too excited? Did they all really want a girl? What’s wrong with my boys?

8:08: I can’t believe I have a girl. I don’t know anything about girls. That’s absurd. I am a girl.

9:01: Guess I’m not a #boymom anymore. That’s a bit sad. Gotta admit, I kinda liked being Queen Bee of the wild ones. But I suppose it’ll be nice having some company in the testosterone zone my home has turned into lately.

9:36: Crap. I’m going to have to explain how to use a tampon one day.

9:45: I get to plan a wedding! Go prom dress shopping! There’s no way those will be emotionally fraught and stressful events because we will have a perfect bond because the media only makes mother-daughter relationships seem stressful and strained because sexism and OMG she’s going to hate me.

10:32: What will the boys think? One wanted a brother, one wanted a sister. We are in for some tears.

10:35: The big brothers are both excited, thank God. Life will be good.

10:37 They now have lost interest in her and now just want to make my hospital bed go up and down.

1:00 pm News alert on my phone. Harvey Weinstein is a terrible person. Having a daughter is terrifying.

1:36 I am still in so much pain. I wonder if she will have kids and give birth one day. Most likely. Poor little SOB. Well, DOB.

2:57: News alert on my phone. Harvey Weinstein is a terrible person. Update: Worse than previously thought.

2:58: Having sons is terrifying. Am I doing a good enough job? Which is harder, keeping a daughter safe or a son good?

3:31: Visitor time! Wow, that’s a lot of pink. And flowers. And pink. Man. Don’t they know I want her to grow up to be empowered?

3:49: Okay, she actually looks really good in pink.

3:50: Remembering I actually really like the color pink. Well, certain shades anyway.

5:16: She’s asleep. Dang, this baby is easy. Girls must be easier. Am I stereotyping already? Maybe she’s easy because she’s my third. Or because I’ve just gotten to be a really good mom. Or maybe I just deserve an easy baby for once.

6:47: Nursing again. Time start doing a little Christmas shopping on my phone. Does she need a Women of NASA lego set? Husband says she’s a bit too young. STEM-themed dresses with dinosaurs? YES, NEED. Okay, but maybe that can wait until she knows what a dinosaur is. Pippi Longstocking? Heidi? Harriet the Spy? Ramona Quimby? Anne of Green Gables? Having a girl is going to be SO MUCH FUN.

7:54: I should email clients and let them know I’m gonna be out of commission the next few weeks. How can I work AND have three kids? How can I have three kids? Maybe I should take more time off. No stop, I’m leaning out already! Quick, lean back in! Be a good role model for your daughter!

7:56: Eh, screw society’s expectations and lean out if you want to. No, lean in more! Maybe this is why moms are always rocking back and forth whenever they see someone holding a baby.

9:03: Look at her. She’s so beautiful. Is it okay to say that? My boys were beautiful too. Still are. Ah, happy tears. And she’s asleep! Easiest baby ever.

11:32: Maybe not the easiest baby ever. Hush-a-bye, don’t you cry, don’t let the weight of the world’s expectations grind you down, go to sleep pretty (and strong and empowered) baby.

Saturday

1:45: Husband, can you swaddle him? I need some sleep.

Husband: Who?

Me: You. I’ve done enough today.

Husband: Change who? You said him.

Me: Habit. The baby. Whatever I’m tired.

Me: We have a girl, huh?

2:24: This diaper thing is easier than with boy- oh wait no, apparently girls also pee during changes. Great.

6:00: The phlebotomist wants to know if I’m excited to have a girl. Everyone wants to know that. I want to know why the phlebotomist needs to do blood draws at 6am in the morning.

6:17 One day and four minutes old! I missed it. Should’ve sat an alarm. Am I excited to have a girl?

As long as she’s healthy.

Nope, that’s still stupid.

I’m just happy she’s here.

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